Memories And Second Chapter
Bags are all packed.
On my way back to my home state of Florida. But for now, it is only a visit. So emotions are running high. Anxiety seems to dominate my body each time I go back home. It is the overwhelming feeling of seeing the familiar once again. The memories begin to pour into my mind. And I know that seeing that "Welcome to Florida" sign will make me feel at home yet I know it will never be the same as it once was before his death.
The closer we get, the more my anxiety builds up to that moment when I drive onto my street and see my house in the distance. Tears begin to flow down my cheek. And within a few minutes I drive into my driveway and open that front door and I am right back to the past.
A house with all his things in it. His clothes, his favorite movies, his music and even his slippers by the TV as he would leave them. I feel close to him here. Yet I feel separated from that life that no longer exists in my world.
Sadness is compounded as memories flow into my head of “US” as a couple looking forward to a new life together as our house was being built. Each picture in my house has a story of how we got it, many are from trips we made throughout the years. There is an energy in my house filled with such happy times, yet there is an overpowering feeling that fills the air full of pain, loneliness and sadness as I arrived from work to an empty house each and every day after his passing.
There are so many things in this life we can explain into words. Yet the feeling of Widowhood is one that can never be explained unless you have lived it. It is like asking someone to describe an orange. As much as I can try to explain the taste of that orange it can never be fully felt unless your taste buds feel that orange for itself.
Grief and Widowhood are just that… It is something that you cannot fully explain and only those that have lived it themselves fully understand.
As I walk around my house and feel emotions running inside of me. The unexplainable feelings of Joy to be back home, and yet Sorrow to know that it is not the same place it once was, nor will it ever be.
All in all, I am grateful. Grateful to have Bill by my side. Grateful to have my mom waiting for me. And grateful to still have this house and be able to spend time here. Does it cause me pain ? Yes,of course, But it would be more painful not being able to have this sacred ground of my memories together to visit.
One day Bill and I will be here permanently. And we will create new memories in OUR house while never letting go of my memories with HIM. I look forward to that second chapter. A new start and yet never letting go of my past.
After a couple of days, I will pack my bags once again. I will mourn the loss of leaving my home and state once again. The pain is truly incredible and each time I visit, each time I leave it is the closest pain to losing him all over again. My heart totally tears as I live in two places for now.
This is my journey….This is what God has put before me…. Sometimes I accept it better than other times. My story continues and with each experience, I add another page to my second chapter in my life.